I love you

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 06:14:08 GMT

kill me now please.

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:30:54 GMT

I was asked today by my one friend on how to explain to your significant other on why you love them. Cat has questioned me on this many times, and I have for her, but then today, thinking about it, I finally came up with a full answer...

You wanna know why we love? So we can be happy. So we know that there are people in this world who actually care about us. We love so we can feel validated, so we know that there is really is a reason we’re here. Loving is the only thing we have in this world that allows us to truly live

and as i was typing it, I thought that it wouldnt make any sense at all, but it really does...

Sun, 25 May 2008 20:22:14 GMT

You can shoot me down and call me names, blame me for everything that happened, and keep thinking I did, whatever I did, intentionally. I did not influence his decisions in any way, shape, or form.
But in the end, I know I'll still be the bigger person because not once did I call you any names, say you ruined his life, or got in the way.

I did absolutely nothing wrong, and if you want to keep calling me immature, then so be it, but take a look at yourself.
Calling me names in away messages, saying "FUCK you" on facebook, playing the blame game, and being nasty to me, isn't so mature.

If you want to be like that, then fine.
I don't associate with people who bring others down and are disrespectful.
Take a look at yourself, because I'm not the one to blame.

Mon, 12 May 2008 20:23:42 GMT

I'm really disappointed by people's decisions.
Extremely disappointed.

I've lost tons of respect for you.

Fri, 09 May 2008 09:30:12 GMT

It's truly an amazing feeling being able to wake up next to the person I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with everyday.

Sun, 04 May 2008 01:50:51 GMT

So, work has been good, but I've been realizing that when I'm at work, my heels are honestly on fire. Today, after work, my dad came in to buy food, so I walked around with him, and It killed me to walk around with him. I honestly just wanted to collapse because my heels burned so badly.

Come to find out, its actually called Planters Fasciitis. My dad used to have it.. It's an overuse injury affecting the sole or flexor surface (plantar) of the foot. A diagnosis of plantar fasciitis means you have inflamed the tough, fibrous band of tissue connecting your heel bone to the base of your toes. And really the only way to make it better is to stretch the foot, and get extremely painful cortisone shots into your heels. Ouch.

Other then that.
I miss my darling girlfriend.
Today is our anniversary. 2 years and 3 months.
Amazing isnt it.
I love her <3

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:19:05 GMT

so I give you the advice that you need, yet you still act that way..

so whatever.
im done.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 04:58:21 GMT

And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 22:45:18 GMT

So, I'm sitting here, in tears. Which is really nothing new when it comes to writing these things, but right now, I'm not crying because I hate my life and what not or any of that, it's just that I still miss my grandmom. Last week I visited her grave for the first time, and it was rough for me. I wasn't gonna go because it was supposed to rain, but I didn't care. When me and Cat got there, it looked like it was gonna rain, but I knew mom-mom wouldn't let it. I got a bottle of water out of the car, and washed off the faceplate and cleaned it up, and of course, it took forever for her side to dry. The faceplate has her name on the right side, and my great grandmother's name on the left. Hers dried immediately, but of course Mom-mom had to be complicated.

We both sat there for a good half hour cleaning it from all the dirt and what not, and I took a bunch of pictures. Towards the end, I dug a small hole and i had one of those rock candy lollipops, which reminded me of her, and put it in the hole, sticking out.

It's just still a really bumpy road for me to finally let it sink in and move on. I'm getting better though, I really am.

Well, other then all that, things are really starting to look up. I went to my interview at Acme today, and they really seemed to like me. They asked me if I would be able to do overnight stock for general merchandise and I said absolutely. I would say absolutely anything if it would get me the job.. I also got my tanning job back. They have a new owner, and come to find out, she used to work with my mom at CVS, so it got me that job again. I'm just waiting for her to call and say she's allowed to hiring again, which should be soon. So i'm excited to be working again, making my own money. Plus, mini golf is a possibility for this summer, so i'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet with that.

Things with me and Cat are really good. I mean we have our ups and downs, but now it's like everything is good and we both don't have too much to worry about. People always ask me do i get tired of being with her 24/7. Absolutely not. I need her just as much as she needs me. I don't really have a choice either, Kaili lives in Pleasantville and is getting deployed soon, and Lisa, I never see anyway because she's either at class, work, or with Greg. I don't see any of my friends anymore really.. but that's okay. I'm content with that.

Family life sucks but what can you do. Mother is out of her mind and needs to be put in a hospital.

But other then that, life is pretty good. =)

car.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 12:40:18 GMT

i'm really fucking tired of this van shit...

of course when i wake up to take cat to work, there's no gas, nor oil.
now the van has a big oil leak, and in order to drive it, it usually needs 2 quarts to be put in everytime...

well, mother informed me that she went fucking dancing last night at the wave or the deck or whatever, used up the gas and the fucking oil.
and somehow i'm responsible to buy the oil.. well for one, i don't have a job so i don't see how... and cat only makes so much every 2 weeks.
then my dad makes me feel bad all the fucking time saying i drive around everywhere.
no.
i drive cat to work. thats a 10 minute drive and barely uses any gas.
YES I DRIVE EVERYWHERE.
But when i do drive places i make sure to put enough oil and gas in the car, but when it comes down to my parents using everything in the car, then saying i pay for fucking nothing, IT'S NOT FAIR.

I'm just gonna stop putting shit in the car because i'm tired of this.
im tired of them fucking disrespecting me and makeing me feel like shit.

FIX THE GODDAMN CAR INSTEAD OF BUYING CIGARETTES.
all the oil we're fucking buying could easily pay for it to be fixed.

oh and the part that infuriates me the most, is that my dad is getting a car from a friend, and he told me that I can;t fucking use it because it needs to last.
THEN I NEED TO FUCKING USE IT BECAUSE IM THE ONLY ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF THE FUCKING CAR WE HAVE.

its not fair.
i'm the only one in this family that has never gotten a ticket and/or accident.
not fair at all.

but they treat me like i'm crashing the car every night and breaking.
well you knwo what, fuck you.

i'm done.</cut>

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 04:31:47 GMT

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
it just passes you by
But you can't hold on to regrets
and you can't look back
So I'll just be thankful for the
times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you

7 Months <3
I miss you so much.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 23:38:00 GMT

You’re my piece of mind, in this crazy world
You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies this
We won’t say goodbye
‘Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...

Dear Mom-Mom...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 03:46:17 GMT

Dear Mom-mom,

There’s honestly not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I hope you’re always thinking about me too. It’s sad, I’m sitting here, knowing what I want to write to you and what to say, but I just can’t even begin to know how to start it all.

First of all, I need to be honest with you. Years ago, whenever I needed to cry, or whenever I wanted to be upset to get out of doing something or going somewhere, I would think about something happening to you, and I’d instantly start crying. And now, all I have to think about is you, and I start crying my eyes out. The mere thought of you I can’t help but tear up, and it sucks because I don’t want to cry because of you. I want to be happy and remember everything you did for me, and how much you meant to me. But to this day, the sadness and the thought of you leaving me just shatters my heart completely. But then those happy moments flood my mind and it does help, even a little bit. I remember how excited I was when you came down here every year, and once again, I must be honest… I was always so excited because you brought me presents. I specifically remember the vanity set thing you got me. It came with a mirror, a desk, tons of make up, and all sorts of pretty accessories. I was so happy when I opened the box and it all unfolded and was so pretty. You always knew how to make me smile. And I was always so excited because I shared my bed with you, and I loved spending time with you. But I always had to clean my room, and everyone knows how much I hated cleaning my room, and I still do to this day. And you always had bags of mini milky ways and mini snickers in your suitcase and purse. I’d always sneak a couple because I knew that if I asked you, you’d say no or later. But yet you still knew I was eating them because you’d find the wrappers all around my room and the house. And then there were those birthday cards you sent every year. You always sent the cutest cards, and inside you always wrote XOXO, and then a heart with an X in it, and you wrote “and one to grow on”, and that always made me laugh. Last year was different. Because you were sick, you didn’t get around to sending it on time for my birthday, and you ended up sending it 2 weeks later. Little did I know, that was the last card I’d ever receive from you. Let me tell you, that card means the absolute world to me.

You should know that every time you called, my face would light up. I would have the biggest smile on my face whenever I would talk to you. Now, I wish I had your phone calls to cheer me up every now and then. I remember the last time I talked to you… You were in the hospital and you kept reassuring me that you were okay and that I had nothing to worry about. I remember that I wanted to cry because I knew you weren’t okay and I was worried to death. I made sure to tell you that I loved you, and that I knew you loved me too. The next couple weeks were all just downhill from there. Dad came back from being up there with you the first time, and told me how sick you actually were. He then went back up there maybe a week or so later, and the next day you slipped away. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday. Mom walked out into the living room where I was on the computer, and she told me you were gone, and I just completely broke down. I let Cat know because she was at work, and I just lost it. Mom went over to Kasey’s to talk to her mom, and Kasey came over and just talked to me. That whole week was just a blur. Between me being at work, telling Marge everything, and just being in that daze where I still want to pick up the phone and talk to you, I just wasn’t myself.

Did you know the night before you passed away, I planned on getting a hummingbird for you? I was going to get it the next day so that I could show you, and show you how much you meant to me. Plus, I wanted to see your reaction to it and everything. But then you died that day, so I wasn’t able to do anything. So I ended up getting the next day. I got you a hummingbird on my forearm and it has your initials under it. I remember Cat and my best friend Lisa came with me to get it, and I was glad they came because they’re the 2 people that mean the most to me other than family.

It kills me that you never got to meet Cat. You talked to her on the phone and knew about her, but you never got to meet her. I remember when I was up there for my trial and I had a picture of her in my wallet, I showed it to you, and you said she was really cute. You were so happy for me because I found someone that truly made me happy and it breaks my heart that you couldn’t meet her. Trust me Mom-mom, you would’ve loved her.

It’s been almost 7months, and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to visit your grave. Part of me thinks it’s because it’ll fully set it in stone that you’re really gone, and part of me thinks it’s because I’d get so upset, that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself back up from that state. I’m so lucky that you were buried down here, because I know that I can visit you whenever I need to.

Sometimes I feel silly. I feel that maybe I should finally start moving on, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t help but cry when I see pictures, and I can’t help but miss the hell out of you. I get so upset and so depressed about it, I just cry and cry until I don’t feel well, and I know you don’t want that from me. You’d be so proud of me because who I’ve become. I’m told I’m turning into you and honestly, I’m perfectly content with that. I dumped some of your ashes in the ocean on 14^th street, and I know you would’ve wanted that. I kept some of your ashes, and they’re in a small trinket on the living room entertainment center. It’s a constant reminded to me that you were the world to this family, and that you meant so much to me.

Promise me one thing though, always look over me and protect me? You’re truly now my guardian angel, and knowing that, I can’t help but feel safer, and feel that I’m so grateful to have had you for a grandmother. I hope you’re having a good time up there with Mr. King, Richie, and everyone else that deserved another try at this life.

I love you, always and forever.

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 15:37:47 GMT

4 months.
I still remember that day very clearly.

That one phone call that broke my heart.

Looking back, it's been a long 4 months without her here.
And I miss her...
so much.

I wish she was still here, honestly.
She always helped out with Christmas.
This year, we barely even had a christmas.

Blah.
I think maybe today, before Cat goes to work, I'm gonna go visit her.
I need to...

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 01:27:49 GMT

we had to put tasha down tonight...

its sad, but honestly, she was in bad shape..

blaaaaaaah

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:58:20 GMT

I really don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. I don't feel good and blah..

I'm tired. And grumpy. And hungry. :(((

I need a hugg

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 02:24:36 GMT

Can you forgive me again?
~~I don't know what I said~~
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret, I cry "I don't wanna lose you!"
But some how I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

'Cause you were made for me
Some how I'll make you see
How happy you make me

I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 04:36:13 GMT

I feel like I'm gonna get dunped... :(

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 03:09:48 GMT

My next free day, where its nice out... I'm gonna go see mom-mom...
because i really miss her

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:47:24 GMT

Ya know what, I'm tired of it.
It meaning everything.

I'm really tired of the fact that last week, I put over $100 into the van for gas, and I used maybe half of it because mother and father ran to doctors appointments and MRI's, yet when I use a little bit of gas when someone puts it in, its some huge catastrophe.
It's not fair to me, honestly. I'm tired of being treated like a 5 year old when it comes to using the car.
Have I once gotten into an accident? No.
I got one ticket because of something that wasn;t even my fault.

Who is the one who takes care of the van most?
Me.
My dad says he told everyone to check it before they leave. only I do it, I know that for a fact because I'm the only one buying oil and putting it in.
How is that fair to me honestly?
I hardly make $150 a week, and half of it is used to buying more oil for a leak that should be fixed, i ahve my own phone bill to pay, and I buy my OWN food.

Why am I being treated like this? I don't understand. Then everyone wonders why I have no money by the middle of the week. Well there you go.
Instead of saying "Oh what'd you do, spend all your money on food?"
Maybe you should see the receipts I have, and then shut up.

I'm tired of taking care of the car, the only one, and then getting no credit or bitched at.

Honestly, I'm just gonna be like everyone else. I'm not gonna check the oil anymore. I'll let the car burn up because no one else puts oil in it. Fine, it'll be like that, then so be it.
But when It breaks, who is the one to blame?
ME.

And god forbid I use my money for something I want/need. It's like a catastrophe when stuff comes in the mail for me. Yes, when I have the money and when there's things i need, i tend to splurge. So sue me. It's my money.

It's just not fair to me...
It really hurts me know that my family is doing this to me.
Intentionally or not.
It's not fair.

Everyone bitched at me to get a job for money for myself.
Well here we go.
And I don't even have that money to spend for myself.

Well guess what.
I hope no one is expecting Christmas presents this year from me, because chances are, I'll get ripped out of my own money.And I;m gonna feel like a omplete ass because people are getting me stuff for christmas, and then what did I get for them?
Nothing.

I love the fact that I have a job that's not half bad and I make good money.
I thought Christmas was gonna be good this year.
Now it just seems hopeless for me.

The perfect Christmas present for me this year, would be spending my money on getting the oil fixed.
Just so I stop spending all the money on buying oil, and not have to always worry about breaking down.

I don't know anymore.
Sometimes I just think it would be easier to just walk everywhere. Even with my back and limiting me to do so much walking, the pain would be so much easier then all this bullshit.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 05:07:43 GMT

i'm tired..
and i jsut wanna go to bed..

im always tired
and drained

right now i just want my baby to latch onto

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 04:25:00 GMT

I hate that I have to compete with her family.
It's like whatever they say, she has to drop everything, and do. And she does.
it's like they want her to be "the parent" in the family, when none of it is her responsibility.
They expect me, to drop everything, and cater to them.

it sucks, because in the back of my mind, I believe if they actually asked her or told her to come home. She would...

its just a battle that i'm always gonna lose..

and it sucks.
it kills me.

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 19:05:57 GMT

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found
It won't be the same
Oh

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

I miss you

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 03:15:16 GMT

Honestly..
I complain about things in my life.
But one thing I will never complain about..
My girlfriend.

People thought we wouldnt last 3 months or whatever.. here we are... at almost 20 months.
Fuck all you who didn't think it would work,
Because I'm spending the rest of my life with her.

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 02:05:40 GMT

that card, means the absolute world to me