Dear Mom-mom,

There’s honestly not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I hope you’re always thinking about me too. It’s sad, I’m sitting here, knowing what I want to write to you and what to say, but I just can’t even begin to know how to start it all.

First of all, I need to be honest with you. Years ago, whenever I needed to cry, or whenever I wanted to be upset to get out of doing something or going somewhere, I would think about something happening to you, and I’d instantly start crying. And now, all I have to think about is you, and I start crying my eyes out. The mere thought of you I can’t help but tear up, and it sucks because I don’t want to cry because of you. I want to be happy and remember everything you did for me, and how much you meant to me. But to this day, the sadness and the thought of you leaving me just shatters my heart completely.  But then those happy moments flood my mind and it does help, even a little bit. I remember how excited I was when you came down here every year, and once again, I must be honest… I was always so excited because you brought me presents. I specifically remember the vanity set thing you got me. It came with a mirror, a desk, tons of make up, and all sorts of pretty accessories. I was so happy when I opened the box and it all unfolded and was so pretty. You always knew how to make me smile. And I was always so excited because I shared my bed with you, and I loved spending time with you. But I always had to clean my room, and everyone knows how much I hated cleaning my room, and I still do to this day. And you always had bags of mini milky ways and mini snickers in your suitcase and purse. I’d always sneak a couple because I knew that if I asked you, you’d say no or later. But yet you still knew I was eating them because you’d find the wrappers all around my room and the house. And then there were those birthday cards you sent every year. You always sent the cutest cards, and inside you always wrote XOXO, and then a heart with an X in it, and you wrote “and one to grow on”, and that always made me laugh. Last year was different. Because you were sick, you didn’t get around to sending it on time for my birthday, and you ended up sending it 2 weeks later. Little did I know, that was the last card I’d ever receive from you. Let me tell you, that card means the absolute world to me.

You should know that every time you called, my face would light up. I would have the biggest smile on my face whenever I would talk to you.  Now, I wish I had your phone calls to cheer me up every now and then. I remember the last time I talked to you… You were in the hospital and you kept reassuring me that you were okay and that I had nothing to worry about. I remember that I wanted to cry because I knew you weren’t okay and I was worried to death. I made sure to tell you that I loved you, and that I knew you loved me too. The next couple weeks were all just downhill from there. Dad came back from being up there with you the first time, and told me how sick you actually were. He then went back up there maybe a week or so later, and the next day you slipped away. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday. Mom walked out into the living room where I was on the computer, and she told me you were gone, and I just completely broke down. I let Cat know because she was at work, and I just lost it. Mom went over to Kasey’s to talk to her mom, and Kasey came over and just talked to me. That whole week was just a blur. Between me being at work, telling Marge everything, and just being in that daze where I still want to pick up the phone and talk to you, I just wasn’t myself.

Did you know the night before you passed away, I planned on getting a hummingbird for you? I was going to get it the next day so that I could show you, and show you how much you meant to me. Plus, I wanted to see your reaction to it and everything. But then you died that day, so I wasn’t able to do anything. So I ended up getting the next day. I got you a hummingbird on my forearm and it has your initials under it. I remember Cat and my best friend Lisa came with me to get it, and I was glad they came because they’re the 2 people that mean the most to me other than family.

It kills me that you never got to meet Cat. You talked to her on the phone and knew about her, but you never got to meet her. I remember when I was up there for my trial and I had a picture of her in my wallet, I showed it to you, and you said she was really cute. You were so happy for me because I found someone that truly made me happy and it breaks my heart that you couldn’t meet her. Trust me Mom-mom, you would’ve loved her.

It’s been almost 7months, and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to visit your grave. Part of me thinks it’s because it’ll fully set it in stone that you’re really gone, and part of me thinks it’s because I’d get so upset, that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself back up from that state. I’m so lucky that you were buried down here, because I know that I can visit you whenever I need to.

Sometimes I feel silly. I feel that maybe I should finally start moving on, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t help but cry when I see pictures, and I can’t help but miss the hell out of you. I get so upset and so depressed about it, I just cry and cry until I don’t feel well, and I know you don’t want that from me. You’d be so proud of me because who I’ve become.  I’m told I’m turning into you and honestly, I’m perfectly content with that. I dumped some of your ashes in the ocean on 14^th street, and I know you would’ve wanted that. I kept some of your ashes, and they’re in a small trinket on the living room entertainment center.  It’s a constant reminded to me that you were the world to this family, and that you meant so much to me.

Promise me one thing though, always look over me and protect me? You’re truly now my guardian angel, and knowing that, I can’t help but feel safer, and feel that I’m so grateful to have had you for a grandmother. I hope you’re having a good time up there with Mr. King, Richie, and everyone else that deserved another try at this life.

I love you, always and forever.